You Are My I Love You..

In 2004 I was blessed with the opportunity to become the mother of a beautiful, perfect baby girl.  From infancy I look back and reflect on Olivia's baby years as being fairly easy, minor bumps in the parenting road, but nothing I truly can even remember as I type this post.  She loved to play on the floor with her toys, as long as I was in sight she was content.  I was able to push her around in a stroller just about to age three.  Olivia started sleeping through the night at 4 months, and was easy to potty train, plus ween off a pacifier.  Since Olivia was my first child she was all I had to base my parenting meter on, and for the most part I was pleased with how it was going.  She was very cautious, and such a great rule follower.  I was able to dress her in anything I desired, any take her to many funtions that required stillness, and quite with very little worries (restaurant, church, weddings, etc.)  I guess in my seriously jaded motherly eyes Olivia was perfectly perfect.  On Olivia's first birthday she received a book titled You Are My I Love You, it was so adorable. My absolute favorite page was ... I am your carrot sticks; you are my licorice.  I am your dandelion you are my first wish.  The entire book compares the clam responsible parent to the fun loving excited child., how they both balance each other out.  I loved loved, loved, the book Olivia and I read it quite frequently, however I did find myself questioning if some of these examples depict the relationship Olivia and I were forming.  I am your quiet place; you are my wild.  I am your calm face; you are my giggle.  I am your wait you are my wiggle.  Even though I absolutely adored the book, and I enjoyed all the examples of parent vs. child I didn't quite see Olivia and I matching up to many of the fun loving examples. 

Then in 2008 I was anxious / worried  to become a mother of a boy.  I have to admit during most of my pregnancy I walked around in a lot of how will I?? what will I do?? monments.  " How can I be a good mother to a boy, I am so girlie?  Will they be close siblings due to the gender differences?  Will this child and I be able to relate?  One thing I didn't have to worry about was buying all new clothes, oh my gosh between Avery, Addison, Luke, and Finn, Brody is set for his childhood years.  He has a mass variety of clothing that would make any teenage girl green with envy.  One day during one of my worrying spells Heather said something to me that I think about daily and also apply it to other areas of my life.  " Holly God gives you what you can handle" and I promise the second you hold him in your arms, and smell his sweet smell it will be all over you will become head over heels in love with your boy, and just like your girl never want to be away from him for a second.  I am happy to report my sister couldn't have been more right... (I barely ever say that so I hope I get brownie points for that comment!) But I do have to say even though my excitement level and love for Brody was right on with how I felt for Olivia something was different.  As Brody started developing a personality ( three months old !) I couldn't help but notice how different my two children were.  I always tell people if I were to write a parenting book based on my parenting skills regarding Olivia, I would just throw that book away for how to parent Brody.  He was always on the go (started walking at 10 months,  scary ahhhh).  Got into everything and anything ( hello child safety devices I never even thought of).  Wanted to be held all the time, I think he has sat in his stroller maybe five times, and I am sure I am exaggerating.  I was developing quite a few parenting hypercritical moments with Brody (which Heather has no problem bringing to my attention any time she sees a window of opertunity).  The one major example that sticks out; even though I am sure there are many more ( all I would have to do is call Heather) are ...  I would sit or walk somewhere with my precious Olivia holding my hand, never wondering, thigh leaching, or nicely sitting in a shopping cart,  little girl.  So when I saw parents with those back pack leashes I was appalled.  I would say not only to myself but out loud how horrible that was, and why couldn't they control their child!!!   I went to this outdoor concert with him when he was about 18 months old and I thought he was just sitting on the blanket near Olivia; come to find out he was three families down trying to get a V.I.P invitation to a slice of pizza.  He hated the stroller, and was rapidly becoming to big for his carrier, holding my hand happened few and far between, and he had zero problem just taking off without any regard to the fact I wasn't even ready to move.  So what could a mother do??? We tried out the leash / backpack (wink, wink) at an arts festival in Fountain Hills and I have to admit for the most part it worked very well.  When we took the  leash on vacation with us to Lego Land, and with the minor exception of him freaking out if Olivia held it.  It too, become a wonderful not completely stressed running around like a chicken with her head cut off type of day. One night around the time Brody was nearing the age of two I found the You Are My I Love You Book from Olivia's book shelf, and became excited to share the book with Brody.  As I started reading it I could feel myself becoming quite emotional, and was unable to hold back my tears.  It hit me like a ton of bricks Brody was a perfect, I mean right on depiction of this book...I am your quiet place; you are my wild.  I am your wait; you are my wiggle.  I am your water wings; you are my deep and so on.

 I had finally figured out what Heather had meant when she said " God only gives you what you can handle" Olivia was my calm and cautious baby, where Brody is my crazy never slowing down, be ready for anything baby.  I thought to myself how perfect Olivia grounds me, and I am able to cuddle with her, read books together, so on and so on, but on the other hand Brody keeps me always guessing, on the go, being goofy, laughing daily, and best of all brings out my inner child.  With Olivia I have my practicality part of myself, and with Brody I have my crazy wild like self. How perfect I feel.  From that point on I couldn't help but beam with happiness that I wouldn't have it any other way.  Even though Olivia is my rule follower, by the book sort of girl which I most defiantly need in my life.  Brody may require more discipline but he makes each day a new adventure, I just never know or mostly am ready for what he is going to dish out, I just love it.  I sleep very well at the end of the day with Brody with a couple "  You wouldn't believe what Brody said or did today" thoughts to laugh about.  At the end of the day with Olivia I am thankful for her trustworthiness, and just all around great character.  Thank you Lord so very much for giving me the opportunity to parent both of these amazing children, I am humbly greatful, and seriously without doubt wouldn't want it any other way!!!!!

Holly's version of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas

As I packed up and put away all the Christmas decorations I couldn’t help but think what is Christmas to me, and how do I make sure next year is better. If you asked Olivia and Brody if they had a good Christmas their automatic response would be an enthusiast YES! They are both so young right now that as long as I make sure the sprit in believing in Santa is still alive, and presents with their name on them are under the tree, I am positive they will be satisfied. When I was younger I don’t really feel like my family had a lot of traditions during the holiday season, of course I knew I would have to see the Boles family at some point, and to survive being there I would always stay close to my dad and bear through it. Obviously we had a tree, with presents and all that entails, but what were OUR family traditions. Once I had Olivia I knew that I wanted to make traditions an important part of the holiday season, with the hope that every year she and now Brody would get excited not only about the inevitable gifts, but also about all the other fun times that lead up to it… Sedona lights, Zoo lights (Jengo), baking cookies, sitting on Santa’s lap no matter how old they get ( a tradition I stole from the Mckee family), Christmas pictures, having a REAL Christmas tree in the house, driving around grading lights with our p.j.s on and sipping hot cocoa (Derek and I tend to be pretty tough judges) welcoming Sam back into our house to keep a watchful eye on our behavior, and the togetherness that all these events bring. I knew I looked forward to these events but were my children getting the point of all these traditions? I understand that Brody is a little to young right now (almost 4), but Olivia being (nearly 8), and having done this a numerous amount of times is it starting to sink in? This year was a very very difficult year for myself, our children, and our extended family and friends. So from the start I could feel my inner grinch wanting to ease out of me, but of course being the mother of two small children I put aside my green suit, and hide up on the hill. This year things started to have a different outlook for me, and yet the same sense of urgency to get done the traditions I had set into place. Having Olivia only half the time makes planning things a tad bit tough (understatement of the year) I would never entertain the thought of doing one single Christmas tradition with out her (for me that would be like trying to drive a car with no tires, or showing up to work with just my shirt on). Do to our financial situation I knew we weren’t going to be able to do all the things we usually do, which would lead to a different set of traditions but the togetherness would still be in place. So I put my slowly crept down the hill over looking Bjerkestrandville and decided to jump in with full enthusiasm and rigor .

 Decorating our house lead to the first problem Olivia wanted to help me this year. You see in the past I have taken the weekend of Thanksgiving to transform our house into a Christmas wonderland. Every room is fully decorated, and the little touches of each child’s growing years is placed for us to enjoy over and over. When Olivia was younger she would have hindered more then helped, but this year I knew she could totally handle the task, and become my little elf. Oh no time crunch we don’t have enough weekends to get it all in!! Crap! That would mess up our plans for the following weekend of Christmas pictures, and that is a total must. So I did what any type A - O.C.D type of person would do and,  I took a day off from work to stage the house with Olivia. My mom came over and heated up that glue gun and we got to work. It truly did take up the entire day but the house looked great. Mind you in the past I have had this beautiful house. The new house didn’t have a fireplace so we did have to make some adjustments, but no big deal. My mom brought over her fake Christmas tree so we could save money with the purchase ( 80+ dollars)of a real one.



Which lead to problem number two ….. Olivia immediately voiced that we always get a real one, and she always get to pick it out. I explained to her that it wouldn’t be forever and that she always had a fake one at her father’s house. That is when she totally went in for the ultimate guilt trip, “ I know and that is why I always look forward to our REAL Tree here I love it so much more!” I took my parent guilt punch to the gut but managed to keep standing by reminding her it would just be this year and we could make it look just as beautiful as the years past. We waited for Derek to come home from basketball, turned on the Christmas music and went to work. At first it was going great.  The kids ejoyed seeing the ornaments, and getting excited and quite territorial I might add of THEIR specific ornament. Gradually I found myself just going through the motions, I just flung up the decorations with no rhyme or reason (totally unlike me) I was just eager to finish and put the kids to bed.







On to problem number three Christmas pictures. Every year my dad takes our pictures and he does a fabulous job, he is always willing to do whatever I bark at him to do, and they always come out great and free I might add. So we set off for Tucson to take some desert living landscape pictures ( sitting on grass or near a waterfall had been used three years in a row.). We arrive at my dads, have a talk with the kids about how the faster they pay attention and smile the sooner it will be over, and ready to go. But wait it is totally raining and over cast oh crap again!!! We have to get these done today! Next weekend no Olivia, plus that would be too late to send out cards. So I waited and watched very impatiently, and the second I saw a break in the cloud cover we immediately ran outside, and I do mean ran. Thankfully the weather corporate for the 15 - 20 mins we needed, and the kids did great aside from the occasional pouting from each child which in turn lead to the traditional mommy bribery.

My dad yet again delivered a great group of pictures. I knew I was going to have trouble narrowing them down (hence why this card has so many pictures).





Oops! I didn't mean to put this one in..... Don't tell Brody! But he does have such a cute tushy!!





Here goes problem number four Zoo lights. Every year we go to zoo lights with my mom through this investment group she belongs to. The date always lands on Thursday, no issue there because we always have Olivia. We walk around the zoo ( I like to dress up and pretend it is way colder then it is ..) and enjoy the lights wth no crowds, Jengo, and of course the delicious dessert spread and extended lap time with Santa.

This year however Olivia’s school Christmas concert fell on the same night!!! Not a big deal I will pencil it in somewhere else, I told myself.  Olivia's concert was a huge sucess, and I have to admit she was totally the cutiest second grader I have ever seen.

The night we did end up going was three nights before Christmas, there were tons of people, which lead to Jengo not being able to give Brody and Olivia the attention they were use to, and Brody throwing a fit over one of those glow sticks. Quick I said buy him one, we have to enjoy this we have to have fun!!! Needless to say we had a fine time, but it didn’t feel right, no Sitto, no dessert, no Santa, and way to many people interrupting MY Christmas tradition!!

Problem number five Christmas lights. In the past Derek has been a trooper and put up lights all the way to the top which is a huge deal for me to not do it half a%& if you know me I don’t need to go into my OCD details. Anyway this year Derek refused to go all the way to the top, not to mention none of the lights even worked ! The old irresponsible me would have grabbed my best friend Visa and headed to Wal - mart, but no I just let it go, and did my best trying to explain to disappointed Olivia and Brody that we just can’t this year. Major, Major let down.

 Next problem number six Baking Christmas cookies. Each year Heather, my mom, and myself get a little bit smarter at planning this event right, wrong! I assumed Derek would be home to watch my bull in a china shop Brody, but oh no he had a Basketball tournament, not just a two hour game, yup that’s right an entire two days of non stop basketball. Which meant I had to bring Brody along, and although the day was successful it wasn’t the same.  The worst part being Heather was so pregnant that I had to step up to the mixing bowl, which lead to my origiinaly yearly job getting completely cancelled ( sleeping on the couch, and eating cookies when it is over).  

 Problem number seven Santa’s lap!  We have always gone to the exact same Santa at the Anthem outlet mall, zero lines, the kids look adorable in their Christmas clothes, and only spending 15.00 dollars. In my mad rush to continue to make another check on my Christmas tradition list we rushed up there one school night, without Derek ( you guessed it basketball). I hurried them out of the car, each child in complete normal day attire and rushed them into the cabin. Once in there the Santa was so old he couldn’t even hear Olivia’s request, and Brody decided an I am not having fun face was in style this year. No worries that will be 26.00 for one 5x7 thank you!

Problem number eight Show me the money! This year our school district gave us our Christmas bonus of 139.00 that’s right we had 280.00 to spend on the kids, and extended family. Along with the fact that our last paycheck before the big day wasnt delivered to our checking acounts until  Dec. 23rd . I had to sadly inform our families we wouldn’t be able to purchase gifts for them (beyond sad face) and we shopped for Olivia and Brody all in one day!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh well we got it done, and only missed one gift on the list.

And now for the Grand Finale problem number nine Derek and I were not getting along, so we didn’t go to Nana and Bumpa’s house for Christmas Eve!! So basically to be an ultimate downer the season started off rocky and ended with an avalanche.

As I sit here and reflect on the entire season first and foremost I am glad it is over with, and two beautiful healthy children asleep in their beds!! Will I continue with the same traditions? Do we need new traditions? Am I teaching the children the true meaning of Christmas (Our lord and Saviors Birthday). Should I have planned better? Should I reconcile with visa again, no way man I would never we are offically over :)) I am not sure. To end on a happier note I did truly enjoy decorating Denise’s tree with her three beautiful girls ,,,

and  of course every moment I did spend with Olivia and Brody was wonderful, and always eventful! Hopefully next year the grinch dark cloud will stay far far away from me!

Sam must have left for the north pole quickly he forgot the letter t on the word next oops!